Another why I suck moment --

Before you get all concerned about my apparent self-esteem issues, I don't actually think I suck, I actually think I'm a pretty nice person. I just happen to enjoy self-depreciating humor...and in this case I also enjoy knowing it's got some shock value because not many people think I suck either (and those that do think I suck, don't actually share their thoughts with me, and I'm okay if they don't).

Alright, now that you've put your therapist's phone numbers away because I don't need a referral, we can get to the post at hand.

I totally dropped the ball last Christmas. I mean, I bought the presents on time -- actually purchased them in October, because normally I'm good like that. Even had them wrapped in mid-November. And here's where I lost steam -- the frickin' box. I couldn't find one that would fit the big-arse bag of toddler legos.  So the presents sat in my room (even my parents' presents - and I was able to find a box that fit those presents) for months. I would look at them daily and just cringe because I wasn't getting them sent out. Christmas passed and Jason moved the them to the basement. I would move them back to our room so that I wouldn't 'forget' to mail them out every.freakin'.day. He would move them back to the basement. We would never really discuss it, we just kept moving the boxes of Christmas presents up and down the two flights of stairs. FOR 7 MONTHS.

So I finally did it. I mailed them out. With this note:

 And then the boxes were stacked in my car for a couple of weeks and it became Christmas in August

Arggggg

This picture reminds me I need to clean out my car.

This got me to thinking....why did I do this? What's going on?  It's not the only thing I've messed up on this past year. I missed paying the kids' dentist bill for a few months (seriously, I hate those bills that aren't auto deductions because I forget them normally, but this past year, I forgot on steroids). It got to the point though they fired us. (So suck as a consumer, a mom, a the family financial keeper). My desk is a mess, my filing has piled up into two TWO laundry baskets and now my laundry is folded and piled on the floor near the washer and drier.  It took me like 8 months to get to the hairdresser, and I went way too long without a pedicure. I've read maybe like 2 books for pleasure and except for making some Christmas ornaments I haven't done anything creative. I picked up a lot of extra shifts and changed jobs (really a good way to keep my mind off of my life).

I'm kind of a hot mess.

And I realized, I've been depressed. It wasn't this obvious depression (well to myself) but this sort of underlying lack of energy, motivation, and ability to do MORE. I was still able get the kids where they needed to go (for the most part), I kept most of my appointments. I was able to still decorate for Christmas and entertain...but didn't send out cards or gifts (local people got their gifts). But some of the extras -- forgotten birthdays of some really good friends, not doing extra things like cards for no reason, paying attention to the needs of the people around me (except the kids), and more importantly not having overall joy in life -- just glimpses here and there. I laughed, I cried -- but not my normal loving life kind of person.

You see, I'm generally a pretty happy person -- not one of these exuberant shout to the roof tops life is grand...but a mellow happy person (apparently depression looks pretty mellow on me too). And this past year that was gone. And it's taken it's toll on me. But I didn't realize it was some low level depression because I pushed through and lived my life -- just wasn't enjoying it much AND things fell through the cracks (more than usual -- because even though I'm generally a mellow happy person, I'm also seriously ADD). It kind of sucks. I'm happy to say though just realizing what was going on (I'm also a little slow and it took awhile to figure it out) has helped me realize why I've been doing (or really not doing) what I've been doing this past year.

Death of a loved one can do that to you. It's coming on the year anniversary of when my sister died. I miss her. As I wrap up her estate and am ready to send the paperwork to the court, I realize this is it. It really hit me when I sold her condo a couple months back. I cried off and on all day and had to tell people my allergies were acting up (because God forbid I let people know I'm freaking out because I sold my dead sister's condo). It was hard, it was a teminder she wasn't coming back. I'm doling out her ashes soon, some to my mother, some to my niece and nephew, and some to me. I'm going to spread my share in the mountains in a beautiful peaceful spot. I want her to have peace in death in a way she couldn't have in life. I think she would have liked it that a little part of her will go to the people that loved her the most and loved her with out conditions. It's sad, but she never really felt that love but she was loved. One son at her funeral was so heart broken, and another, who didn't shed a tear, later designed his baseball glove to honor her and his other aunt (who has MS).

He had "for Nini" the nick name he actually came up with for my sister, because he couldn't pronounce Leyni. and he also had 'for shaina' stitched to his glove. He doesn't really show his emotions, but it was when he ordered this glove that I realized he felt that loss too.

It's time to move on now. Not forget, or even stop missing her. But to get back the part of my life that I miss and love - the joy of life. A part will be always be missing, but isn't that true of all of us? Every time we experience loss we lose a little part of ourselves. But then we also fill those losses with people that bring us joy and love (and sometimes we fill the loss with chocolate cake - did I also mention I gained 30 pounds this past year as well - I wish I was one of these people who don't eat and over exercise when I was depressed). We just have to allow that love in -- for some of us that's harder to do, and during some times in our life it's harder to do.

I know I'm coming out of this, different but whole and strong. I'm lucky that depression for me comes in periods of my life and it is not (thankfully) something from which I suffer all the time. For me it's usually related to a major life event like a death in the family, or hormonal changes, in the case of some postpartum depression (and thank you Lexapro for getting me through that). I know there are people who suffer from depression all the time and it sucks - I'm sorry this is your lot in life.

In the mean time -- I'm crawling out of my little dark depression hole and bonus, my nephews got a mid summer surprise (okay late summer). I'm wrapping up my sister's estate so will not have that weighing on my mind, taking up space that should be devoted to my family, friends, and self.

Seriously....put away those therapists' numbers, I don't need a referral...I got this.

Why It Sucks to Have a Mom as a Nurse

Some of you may have seen those Memes that say things like, “I’m sorry mommy’s a nurse and you had to bring yourself in because she thinks you should just suck it up” and yeah, I’m one of those moms/nurses. My oldest a couple years back twisted his ankle and I made him sit out a couple games, and ice it…telling him to suck it up. Well it didn’t get better and my husband, a layman, thought I should take him in. Turns out it was nerve damage and he needed some PT. He kept asking the physical therapist to say to me, ‘you suck as a mom and a nurse’ – yeah, they BOTH had fun with that.

 Jake, icing his foot

A couple weeks ago my younger son rode his bike to swim practice (in flip-flops) and was driven home before practice even started by one of the younger coaches (a teenager). His toe was bleeding but he seemed really nonchalant. The teen-coach looked ill. I sighed and told Isaac to run upstairs, get me some Band-Aids, and wash his foot with soap and water. The teen-coach assured me he rinsed Isaac’s foot off with hydrogen peroxide. I felt the need to give him a lecture that evidence-based-practice has pretty much proven hydrogen peroxide is a horrible idea and that in the future he should just use soap and water. He tells me that’s what they taught him in teen-life-guard-school and I replied, “well maybe they should get some one who isn’t using antiquated information”….. I couldn’t just shut up and the look on this kid’s face was like “geeze lady, I’m a teen-coach who just drove your bloody kid home shouldn’t you be doing something for him since you’re a nurse and all instead of lecturing me”. But in my head, my kid was FINE and could suck it up (which is probably why my kid wasn’t crying and washing his foot like I told him to). Teen coach left and I took a look at Isaac’s foot, after he washed it off….and ‘yikes’. It looked like a flap of skin was coming off, which they can’t stitch, but there was some pretty bad gashes. So I took him into the ER.

"oh my gosh mom, stop taking my pictures and posting on Facebook"

ER nurse and ER doc were like, “Whoa Dude, never ride your bike in flip flops, that looks bad” After X-rays, Lidocaine shots (which he did NOT like), and a tourniquet it was decided stitches weren’t going to help but they did need to cauterize to stop bleeding. Isaac, a true Walking Dead fan says to me “I just need to look at the flowers”. The ER doc, also a Walking Dead fan laughed – which scared me just a bit since he was holding the cauterizer. Then says, ‘you know the thing about that show is that every doctor on there is a total wack job’ (FYI Wack apparently is NOT a word that word check recognizes, so I ask Jason, how do you spell wack as in wack job, and he asks, you aren’t charting are you? – and no, but wouldn’t that be fun to actually say, this family is full of freakin’ wack jobs…oh wait, maybe it’s whack …ah yes, that computes…keeping my original mistake here though to let you into to my scary ADD mind --- squirrel). So I bring up, “yeah, like Grey’s Anatomy never has a nurse in the rooms with the doctors and the doctors are doing everything nurses do”…so we start complaining about how shows just don’t show the medical field appropriately and Isaac is lying in his ER stretcher rolling his eyes at us.

X-rays...doesn't he look thrilled

So no swimming for 10 days. And we got a prescription for 30 vicodin…seriously for a 12 year old who was rating his pain at 1/10 – probably because he’s learned from a very young age what suck it up really means. I briefly thought of filling the prescription and selling it just to pay for the co-pay….but that would be illegal and bad and I don’t know anyone who would buy them (although also briefly thought of asking my high school nurse friend because I’m sure she’d know who was dealing at the local high school…but again, illegal, bad and contributing to a minor doing bad and illegal things). So it went unfilled and I threw some Advil at the kid.

The ER nurse, admitted how much she loves Pinterest and decided to make a Pinterest-craft-ready-dressing -- she did an awesome job.

Jason, had already volunteered to be a timer at the swim meet so he went and when asked by another parent who his kid was, he explained about the ‘injury’ and the parent was like, ‘oh I heard about him, they thought he lost his toe it was so bad’

Really? Bunch of babies.

Everyone in my neighborhood is turning 50 (50 year old gifts and Pinterest research)

This year has been a year for my friends turning 50. It started in February with my friend Colleen – and now that I’m thinking about it, I think I may have forgotten to get her a present. I kinda suck. Anyhow when we were all talking about her birthday, I argued with her that it could not be 50 because she’s 3 years older than I am and I’m not….oh my God I am, or will be (in February it was “would be” but I’m writing this in July and so already am) FORTY-SEVEN. Holy shit, so her turning 50 was really more about me realizing I’m not in my early, or early-to-mid forties, but now in my mid-to-late-forties. What the hell!

And now we’re celebrating another 50^th. A mutual friend is throwing her a party. I’m used to being in my mid-to-late-forties so it was not such a shock and I actually decided to do something creative. And by creative I mean stealing someone else’s creative idea. Because that’s MY talent – recognizing good ideas and copying them.  So I got onto Pinterest and looked up a bunch of fun ideas for birthday presents. Found a cute idea here:Imperfectly Beautiful Blog

Here’s my rendition of it. As you can see, mine looks like a hack job – but whatever, it’s the thought that counts…and any way, I added a gift certificate for a pedicure, so that really rocks.

Speaking of pedicures. I could not remember if she liked pedicures (and really who hates pedicures? I guess some people do because I recently remember being in a conversation with someone who did hate them but couldn’t remember if it was her). So I Facebook messaged her husband – who had no idea. I had the bright idea of inviting her and another friend to a girl’s day at the spa (little place next to Safeway with massage chairs with people who may or may not be licensed and who barely speak English). She said she would love to. YAY, so now I know she likes pedicures. Then she tells me, she’s only had one pedicure and that was from a gift certificate I gave her three years ago. OMG, if only I had remembered that, I wouldn’t have had to gone through this whole ruse to find out if she liked pedicures....but I needed one, terribly, and it was fun to hang with her an our other friend (oh, the one I mentioned before who turned 50 in February). So above present, hopefully will be much enjoyed by her.

I texted another friend (one who is even younger than I and really likes to remind me of it – especially when I’m showing her pictures of presents for people turning 50) a picture and said, look what I stole from Pinterest. She wrote back – not ‘stole’, ‘researched’. I love her spin on that. That’s what I’m totally going to say from now on.

Because we're like 12 and had to post our pedicures on Facebook

I got all prettied up (capris and a linen shirt – but I did put on eyeliner and a necklace so yeah, totally dressed up).  And showed up at mutual friend’s door at 5. Turns out my early onset Alzehimer’s is going to manifest itself in some weird time thing. A couple months ago I woke up in a complete panic that my husband and second born did not make it back from Grand Cayman (father son trip celebrating the younger one’s 13^th – we’re not actually Jewish, well my husband kind of is by blood, not by religion so this wasn’t a Bar mitzvah, just a nice thing we do for the kids). Anyhow, I woke up at midnight, they weren’t home yet and I had a major freak-out for about an hour until I realized they were supposed to come home that next night. A couple weeks after that, I had another freak-out that our morning meeting wasn’t going on, I texted co-worker asking if there was an issue with the conference call and she texts back, “did the meeting get moved to 0715” – I look at clock and text back ‘um, no, I’m just an idiot’. So I arrive, promptly at 5 because I like being on time, only to find out the party is at 630.

See a necklace, and I actually combed my hair. I just realized I still have Good Luck written on the chalk board in my cool command center where I'm supposed to list our weekly activities. I wrote that Good Luck and drew the dice when I hosted Bunco -- like last February. I hate those bloggers who have the cool command centers and actually use them. .... and my best friend who uses hers too, although doesn't blog it, so I don't hate her quite as much (the one who is younger and constantly reminds me of it.)

But while chatting with the hostess, I find out we’re also celebrating another 50^th  as well, sort of a last minute add on. What the hell is wrong with my neighborhood and all these people turning 50.  By the time I turn 50, no one’s going to want to celebrate any more because ‘been there, done that’.  Good news is I had time to ‘research’ another 50 year old gift and go put it together. I um ‘researched’ it from this shop on Etsy (which I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to pin...but oh well).

 And here’s my rendition – again, not as cool as the original. But whatever, it was last minute. Oh who am I kidding, I am not going to take the time to place the stickers in the most appropriate places, even if I had plenty of time, I still would have hand wrote it.

Because that’s more personal and thoughtful – yup, that’s it, I was being thoughtful, not lazy.

and here are the birthday girls -- on the left, Sherry, and the right Martha. You won't find two more lovely ladies. I'm so glad they've been a part of my life over the last 10 years.