Merry Christmas from the Zimmers

I just mailed out 80 cards with little notes on them saying to catch our Christmas letter on our blog. Then realized, I did not actually write the Christmas letter (oh my). So here's a quick review of our year to let you know what we've been up to. Mostly in picture-form because I've been super busy -- full time work, school (okay, back in November I stopped for awhile to get my bearings, I plan on resuming my MSN program in February), the kids, their school, their sports, a remodel (yeah, yeah, I still haven't gotten around to pictures yet, I'm waiting for the window treatments, then I think I'll be done and I'll post pictures) and still trying to find time for that guy I married.

My review is backwards, because I still can't quite figure out the whole picture thing on blogger.


Friday after Thanksgiving we go cut down our tree. We normally find a tree farm, but this year we got it together in October and sent in our request for a permit so we went to the forest and picked one out. It was a fun day for the family.

Beautiful fall foliage off of my in-law's deck (for those of you who don't know, my sister-in-law and her husband live down the block, my mother-in-law -- across the street from them -- it's Everybody Loves Raymondish around here -- Jason would be Raymond). I was trying to get a nice shot for the Christmas card, but who am I kidding, my kids just won't sit still long enough.

Halloween, I would love to show you pictures of how scary the boys were, but I forgot to take any.

Our trip to Glenwood Springs ended with a gruesome-uh-I-mean-awesome hike to Hanging Lake. Great view when you finally get to the top.

The caverns above Glenwood Springs. Over Labor Day Weekend we celebrated Jason's birthday with a family trip. We did a lot but didn't end up actually going to the Glenwood Pool. Next time.

First day of school, they look thrilled, don't they?

Neighborhood fourth of July party. It was supposed to be a pie eating contest...Jake and Isaac had their own twist of how that was supposed to go.

Isaac with his decorated bike during the bike-scooter-wagon parade.

Isaac was on the swim team for summer and fall. By the end of this last season, his dive started to look a bit more like a dive and less like a belly flop....he's getting there. This December he started Karate.

Jake's on his 6th year of doing baseball in the summers. He likes the infield positions but pitching is his favorite, no short stop, no pitching, wait maybe first base....he can't decide. He's taking a break from baseball and trying his hand at basketball this winter.

Early summer hiking in Castlewood Canyon. Great area just minutes from home.

Apres skiing-snowboarding in Breckenridge over Spring Break.

Spring Skiing-snowboarding. Yes, for most of you this doesn't quite look like Spring. Spring in the Rockies is a different animal then the rest of the U.S.

Father-son snowmobiling trip last winter.

Well these are the highlights of 2010. All in all a pretty good year for the Zimmers (knock on wood). We are so very thankful for the Blessings in our lives, particularly those blessings that come in the form of friends and family! Our hope for you is that this holiday season brings you much joy and the coming year is full of blessings of love and friendship.

The Zimmers

Merry Christmas

retro christmas card ornament - easy peasy

Every year I throw an ornament exchange party (totally stole the idea from someone awhile back....theft really is one of the best forms of flattery). She would make an ornament as a take home gift for all of her guests. I have fond memories when I put those hand made ornaments on my tree each year. Because I steal all her good ideas, I adopted the same practice. This is this year's ornament.

The first step is to look all over for something cute and more importantly, EASY. I found some adorable Seed Packet Ornaments off of a Martha Stewart (of course) ornament website. I wasn't too into the seed packet thing, or the fringey stuff on the side, so I adapted it and I did it my way (FYI, I'm singing that in my head right now).

If you choose to do this guy on your own (I did 40) you will need:
card stock
find (steal) a picture of the Internet or find a retro card somewhere and make copies
fabric glue
glitter (I used the Martha Stewart brand, because it's so fine)
spray glue
ribbon
hole punch
Rick a Rack
patterned scissors
paper cutter
regular scissors
Cut your card stock in fourths, glue Rick a Rack around the edges with fabric glue

Make color copies of your image, not sure of the size but smaller then 1/4 of the page....I'm very technical - can you tell? Cut them out with patterned scissors (have no idea what they're called, but if you scrapbook you have some).

Glue the retro card on with the spray glue, spray some more glue on the surface and sprinkle some of the glitter all over. Then hole punch two holes at the top.

Find some nice ribbon with wire and cut to size. Feed each end through each hole and knot in the back.

I put them all in a Christmassy basket to pass out as favors as people left the party.

Here's one on my tree.

Et viola...ze fineeshed product.

Life is full of embarrassments, this is just one of those moments

I'm going to share one of those really embarrassing stories. Mostly because I have nothing else to write about...that is unless you really want to know about everything I learned at the Nephrology Nursing workshop I attended yesterday....no? Okay, this really is more funny; it's one of those embarrassing moments that will pop in my head from time to time (even though it was ages and ages ago) that simultaneously make me laugh and blush at the same time.

About 100 years ago, Jason and I went out with our friends Will and John (Yes, we were friends with a gay couple, way before Will and Grace made it popular, we were such trend-setters). We went to an improv performance of a small independent theater company that performed in this tiny dark theater on 17th ave (oh my gosh we were so cool in our 20's). Before the actual performance began, some guy was 'warming' up the audience by asking us questions and then the audience would yell out our answers collectively.

Where do you live?

Everyone shouted: Denver

What high school did you go to?

(an aside here, why isn't high school a compound word? It really should be...highschool, so much easier)

Everyone shouted out the name of their high school

Who was the first person you slept with?

I shouted
not everyone
just me


SHOUTED

JASON!

Our high school prom picture (not saying this the THE night)....Jason and I are in the back with the 'rad' eighties gray tux and pink satin dress -- and yes, it actually WAS the 80's -- so we come by that awesome dorkiness honestly.

Halloween Story and my diet

This actually is not my story, but it was so funny, I had to share (with permission). My friend at work told me that the first year her kids were allowed to trick or treat by themselves they came home super excited.

"Mom, mom look at what we got" they yelled at her in unison.
And both (as if they choreographed this) pulled out cans of Coors Light from their Halloween bags.

OMG, can you imagine the look on that mom's face.....probably similar to the one on your face now, go look in the mirror.

I guess one of her neighbors was pretty sauced, told the kiddos that they were "so cute" and asked them to stay there as she slammed the door. They stayed (hmmm, what's it like to have children that listen? I wouldn't know). She came back with the two cans of beer and told the kiddos that their parents would love it....but then told the kids not to tell the parents (again, she was sauced and probably not thinking things all the way through).

To my friends out there, I promise not to send Coors Light home with your kiddos this Halloween....I can't promise that I won't be drinking one though.

Oh the diet, down 18 pounds (22 if we're going by my scale...I think we should do that, don't you)...whoo hoo. The Slimgenics counselor suggested drinking two tablespoons of undiluted apple cider vinegar every day. I remember my great-grandmother saying that her longevity and good health were a result of her doing this. I thought she was nuts, but the memory popped in my head when I heard this -- so what the heck, I tried some this morning....GAWD AWFUL...but I'll give it a week and see how it goes.

I promise not to send vinegar home with your kids either.

Have a great Spooktacular Halloween.

Isaac's birthday party, I may be a flake and my diet

Today we had Isaac's birthday party (TODAY -- and yes, I know his actually birthday was in September, I kind of suck at this). We had it at the local rec center/pool...As of this morning I wasn't sure who we had invited and not sure who rsvp'd because I lost the list. But I knew that it MIGHT be more then 12 so when the coordinator called yesterday from the rec center, while I was in my car so the phone was cutting in and out, I think I told him we needed an extra life guard.

This morning I realized I may not have ordered a cake big enough (and I really didn't).

I did call the coordinator back when I got better reception and left a message, only to find out that I left the message on a contractor's phone (getting an estimate on redoing the patio in back yard....last estimate to tear out patio and put in a deck 22 FREAKINTHOUSANDDOLLARS....so need to be calling around on that).

As of this morning I still did not have party favors...I was hoping I could find some swim goggles this time of year because seriously even though they're like 7 dollars it still comes out cheaper to do one for each kid with a ribbon then those stupid bags with all the little junk and candies in there....(but hey maybe I should have done the junk and candies, since there really wasn't a lot of cake). Turns out there were no goggles, but did score some card games for six dollars a piece. After swimming 6 of the little guys came back here for a sleepover.

Yesterday, while talking to coordinator on phone I was running to meet the management company for our rental, they called said they'd be 10 minutes late and I was early (as usual) so I decided I had time to pick up a table I had recently purchased...but then there was a problem (there was a scratch on the table and I had to discuss it with like three different people how to resolve the 'issue' and frankly I was fine because the scratch was pretty minuscule but they wanted to insure my happiness) so ended up being late and therefore frazzled for the management company guy AND took the wrong key so we couldn't even get into the house...I kept telling him, "I'm really not this much of a flake" but maybe I really am....

Last week we had time to 'boo' the neighborhood.

The kids LOVE doing this so we did more then our requisite two bags.


I am actually ahead of the game on getting together the kids' goodie bags for their school parties. All in all, I'm liking not going to school right now.

Which brings me to my diet...not so good, I've cheated every day this past week and have only lost another pound, I think that makes 16 total. It didn't help that I ordered pizza for the sleepover guests this evening, because ended up eating nasty Little Ceaser's pizza...you'd think if I were to cheat, I'd cheat with something REALLY yummy.

Creepy Crafts, School and my diet

So my find-ways-to-waste-time-on-the-Internet enabler turned me on to this cool blog where I found a link to this fun creepy craft. Yesterday we had fun doing this ourselves....super duper easy.

Jake, splashing paint (er, I mean blood splatter) on wax paper -- putting that pitching arm to good use

Isaac putting his bloody hand prints on the project, I wonder what CSI would say about only a right bloody hand print repeatedly spotted amongst the splatter but no left?

Finished product

This next craft I saw in the Halloween edition of Martha Stewart's Magazine (yeah, yeah, say what you want, but I really want to be her).


You take a grapevine wreath, some toy snakes, black spray paint and some glue. And because I'm not Martha Stewart (even though I not so secretly want to be her), I didn't use the glue and just intertwined the snakes to the wreath. Get everything positioned (and glued, should you wish) and then spray paint everything black. I actually don't remember the directions from the magazine, but this is how I did it.

And Voila ---

We even went shopping for pumpkins and roasted green chilies. I peeled and seeded a half bushel then Jason made green chili.

And I baked

Which brings me to the diet portion of this post.....did not go so well the past couple days (but the chili and the banana bread were soooo yummy!)
And how did I have the time to do this? AND blog twice this month? Well I'm taking a break from school. I'm a bit burned out and couldn't face another class right now. I'm giving myself the holidays and will be back to the hell that is my Master's program in February -- hopefully well rested.

my new pedicure, a chance encounter with a guy with a foot fetish and my diet

I treated myself to a pedicure today, went chocolate for fall and Halloween, thought black might be too garish. I took a picture for the blog (I don't know why, silly I guess) and it reminded me of an encounter I had with some guy with a foot fetish, years and years ago.....here's the story:

I was at the bus stop after school (first time I went to college, in the late 80's); I was wearing flats, and not the nice expensive breathable leather kind, more the man-made material 9 dollar ones...ones that don't let your feet breathe...if you get my drift. Anyhow, this guy, really short, really kind of strange looking and his tall friend -- kind of a Giant Lenny type (of Lenny and George in Of Mice and Men), approached me and told me they were doing a project for school and would I take my shoe off. I was naive at the time, so I said sure. Short creepy guy actually moaned and then asked if he could hold my shoe (okay maybe it was a shoe fetish? and not so much a foot fetish, not sure how that all works). I said, 'um, NO' and put my shoe back on and walked away (didn't wait for the bus). Gross, gross, gross.

The next day, I am in the library (Not studying) and overheard two girl-women talking and one said, "Some creep asked me to take off my shoe, can you believe it? Who would be stupid enough to fall for that?" .....hmmmm, although I was stupid enough to fall for that, I was not stupid enough to out myself by jumping up and yelling, "me, me" to the pretty popular girls who were most likely wearing Nine West.

My diet, down 15 pounds, yay me! I celebrated by eating a bowl of cereal (bad me).

"Don't freak out mom" is what every mom wants to hear when they answer the phone

Jake spent the day hanging out with his friends, he started at one house, then off to another and then they all decided to go to the park. At the park they left all their stuff (bikes, scooters -- all belonging to one boy) unattended and unlocked. When they got back it was all gone. They panicked.

Being the responsible boys that they were, they called the police to report the crime. The sheriff comes; they make a report and the sheriff leaves to hunt down the culprits (who were most likely teenagers, according to Jake).

Jake calls me:
Jake: Don't freak out mom
Seriously, just saying that puts me on high mom alert and I'm completely freaked
Me: (calmly --- are you laughing, seriously, I was calm......sort of) what happened?
Jake: I had to call the cops
Me: (silence -- but am repeating to myself, don't freak out, don't freak out)
Jake: N's stuff got stolen and so we called the police to report it, the sheriff is going to call you for more information.

MEANWHILE

I find out from T's mom(whilst coordinating who is going to pick up whom and who is doing what and where are all the boys in the neighborhood and what time all this should happen) that, N's parents went to the park, did not see the kiddos (who happened to be at B's house to see if he could join their ever growing gaggle of boys). They saw the stuff laying there unattended and not locked up........

AND

in.order.to.teach.the.kids.a.lesson.

took the stuff.

Yeah, the sheriff thought it was pretty funny too when I told him.

Jason just thinks I (N's dad) is pretty lucky the sheriff didn't see him loading up the van with the "stolen" goods....

Fat Girl Hiking (said like you would say Dead Man Walking) Hanging Lake Edition

We took a weekend getaway to Glenwood Springs -- a fun place to go if you get the chance. On our drive home we decided to hike Hanging Lake. Even though I've grown up here in Colorado I haven't heard of it, but the info on the web said it was a one-point-two mile hike, so I figured no big deal we'd get it done in a couple of hours and get to Beau Jo's in Idaho Springs by lunch . Boy was I a whole lot of wrong! The nicely paved trail to the head of the trail to Hanging Lake was serene, I figured wow this was going to be a piece of cake, now I'm thinking that the people in charge of these things have one sick sense of humor faking us out like that. We get to the sign and to the left there's a slight incline, again, I'm thinking no big deal, as you go up the incline a bit you see a wall face of pure sheer cliff, beautiful cliff, but still cliff, and I wonder, is Hanging Lake way up there? -- Surely not! Well,folks, surely the heck yeah (okay in my brain there were more "choice" words used).

Ten minutes into the hike I need to take a break, I use taking pictures of the kids and scenery as an excuse. Twenty minutes into the hike more pictures, and some sips of water, Jason cautions me on using all our 'space' on our camera up so early into the hike....we haven't even gotten to the quarter mile marker yet. I'm wondering how I can get the family to turn around. That first incline was a baby step, now we're climbing over huge boulders --- umm okay I may be exaggerating a wee bit, but Jason's still needing to pull me up and at times I need to almost crawl (I wish I was exaggerating here). The kids are having a blast -- I'm feeling sick. I'm now starting to see people on their way back down and we haven't hit the half mile marker (Holy mother of GAWD). At least I don't feel like dying --- yet.

Along the way there are picturesque bridges, gorgeous scenery and thank the Lord -- benches. We park ourselves on one and have some nice cooling drinks, which does not stop the burning in my calves, but whatever I can't complain because I gave the kids a big-ol-lecture on how unappealing that is to listen to (me and my big-mouth-parenting). At this point the people coming back down are encouraging us to keep going, the view was worth it blah blah blah, I really wanted to do some serious harm. Meanwhile the boys are saying "wow mom this is the kind of stuff they do on the Biggest Loser" This time I wanted to do harm to my own flesh and blood. The boys then decided that the next Biggest Loser should be in Colorado and they should hike this trail (okay that's actually not a bad idea) ANDDDDD, I should be a contestant (offspring have no problem telling you the truth!).

Three hours later we get to the one mile mark, we still have the point-two to go. There's a bench, I shall call it the Bench of Defeat. We sat, had more water had some cliff bars. At this point I though maybe I'd die. I look up and see the last part of the hike, the point-two and there are railings, probably at a 45 degree angle UP on the side of a cliff. Physically, I figured no way...but with my fear of heights I figured no FREAKIN' way (again, the choice of language in my head, much more colorful). I told Jason and the boys to go on with out me, take lots of pictures, I was going to rest and head back down, they'd probably catch up with me pretty quickly. They went on and I sat there for a bit. Meanwhile this older gentleman with a walking cane and knee brace sat down next to me, told me he was 65 and had just rode his bike to the trail head from Glenwood Springs and just hiked up and if he could do it, I could and he even said I could use his cane. OH MY GAWD! Like a used car salesman he was relentless until I agreed to go up the rest of the way. Big sigh here....so I did. The last bit was grueling. I must have been quite a sight dragging my fat self up the side of that cliff because more then one person asked if I needed help....I would gasp my denial and keep going up, listening to others encourage me and give me those 'atta girls'. Part of me hated that I'm in such horrible shape that I needed those, other parts of me were grateful no one was questioning my logic of making such a hike.

And then I MADE IT.

And it was beautiful...worth it? I'm not so sure, I'm still sore three days later.

And then I had to go DOWN....ugh.

So today, I went into Slimgenics, a weight loss center so that next summer I can do that same hike and be happy about it. I'll post more later...those posts will likely involve lots of whining.

Financial Advice from the guy at the McDonald's drivethrough

Sooo, embarrassingly my card got declined at the McDonald's drive through...4 dollars (two hamburgers and a small milkshake -- don't judge me)....I stupidly ask, "Strange, I wonder how that happened" Most people might think that was a rhetorical question, but the guy at the drive through window, apparently, thought I really wanted his opinion, so while I was digging through the ashtray/coin holder of my car and the bottom of my purse for loose change (yeah, I really wanted that milkshake) the late-teen-early-twenty-year-old decided to tell me how my card could have been declined. He mentioned that if you go into your overdraft a lot then you're charged fees and that's what could have happened--after all not everyone knows that. He was also kind enough to tell me that if I don't pay the overdraft then they can close the account. After I gave him a handful of quarters and reduced my order to just the milkshake, he also mentioned the importance of paying my bills on time....REALLY?

Thankfully, the bank is just across the street from the McDonald's, so I promptly drove over there....after all, I had just looked at my account and I was not in overdraft, bills all paid and thankfully a decent amount in the account (yes, I know we're lucky and blessed to be able to say that). There was a weird charge for an Indian restaurant for 900+ dollars but then a credit for the same amount. I figured, Jason had lunch, they charged the wrong amount and promptly corrected it....I figured WRONG. The lady at the bank....after a chuckle at my story of the McDonald's clerk....called the visa people and was transferred to the fraud department...apparently, it wasn't on Jason's card that the 900 purchase was on, it was mine (not being an engineer, I rarely eat Indian food for lunch, so how could this be?)....apparently this was an Indian restaurant IN India. Our bank card has an awesome fraud department and they caught the activity right away, shut down my card and credited my account (Go Compass/BBVA bank -- don't mess with Basque bankers). Then the clerk said, "sorry I have to do this," and cut my card, I turned to look at the people in line behind me and said, "It's because someone got my number....not because I'm overdrawn" .... like they cared.

Moral of story, don't use my debit card for online purchases.
Not all calls from the bank are sales calls and maybe I should stop screening so much.
Jason sometimes eats lunch at places other then Indian restaurants.

I guess I'm an anti-Mrs Robertson...

J's coach decided to have some pre-season practice and was able to get a high school baseball team to help the little league guys out. So the other moms and I were watching the bigger boys help out the smaller ones learn the ropes of baseball (the kids LOVED it!)....anyhoo this was part of our conversation.....

Me: (about one of the high school boys) Holy cow, look at his pants, they're so dirty!
J: They were sliding
Me: Oh....
Coach's Wife: Were you checking him out?
Me: OMG, no, I was thinking about the laundry his mother is going to have to do and why don't they just wear black pants?

Pause
laughter

Seriously, when did I stop checking guys out and start thinking about laundry?
Just sign me up for AARP now!

It's time for a letter

Dear Homeless Guy,

I appreciate that we are in an economic down turn right now and things are tight and that might be the reason you and your friends were on the corner of Speer and 8th with your homemade signs and bottles wrapped in paper bags. I was on my way to work, rushing between two hospitals (where, by the way, one of your buddies tried to pee on me when I was taking care of him) and that's why I was eating in my car, so yes I did avert my eyes because I felt horribly guilty as you rubbed your tummy in the universal "I'm hungry" sign as you waved your sign angrily at me. I'm so happy you got a laugh from your cohorts....which makes me wonder why you bought that bottle of whatever that you so cleverly hid in that brown bag instead of buying some food if you were so damn hungry. I digress -- I really do feel the plight of those who have lost their jobs and are losing their homes and do think something should be done about that (and have and will continue to donate to worthy causes that help those in need), but when I see you and your brethren (fellow homeless guys, in case you're going to blame FREE public education for your current plight) drinkin', laughin' and hangin' out makes me (almost) want to become Republican.

In the future, I'd appreciate it if you didn't yell, "Bitch" at me when I choose not to give you my last dollar. I need that dollar to buy the tar they call coffee at the hospital so that I can stay awake until midnight to take care of people, some of them who may very well be you or your asshole friends who thought it was so funny of you to call me names....while on may way to WORK (look the word up, you have plenty of copious free time!).

Sincerely,
me

(picture lifted on coffedad.com blog -- pretty sure he lifted it off of someplace else)

It's been coming on for a couple weeks now -- snide little comments, sighs when things aren't done correctly, reprimanding me for putting the knife in the dishwasher after he told me he thought we should hand-wash our knives. These really little stupid things that I've been slightly hurt about, then simmering about, then after rolling them around in my brain started to even boil about it. I felt like I couldn't say anything because he's been helping so much around the house since I've gone back to work.

But, I had it, so I said something.....and he goes off on a list of my most horrible transgressions...I leave wet towels on the bed, I leave my shoes on the floor of the closet and don't put them on the shelf blah blah blah, I am, apparently the worse wife EVER....

so I calmly (and I so rarely get to use that phrase while describing myself) say, 'hey honey, I have a list about that long about the stuff that irritates me about YOU. I just choose to keep it to myself, because they don't mean anything'

pregnant pause

"Well, you should tell me, then we can criticize and degrade each other, it's how it's done....duh" and he comes over to me and hugs me.....

Which made me laugh.....

and now I'm not mad anymore.

Reflections.....

I'm not sure if it's because I'm not feeling well, it's the new year, it's coming up on the anniversary of my dad's death or I'm in the middle of some life changes right now, but I'm feeling quite reflective and this may bore you....but whatever, it's my blog.

My dad died 21 years ago right around the beginning of January, I was 19. He was living in New York and I in Denver, we met for Christmas in Washington DC that year. I had suspected he had been sick for quite awhile but he looked horrible when I saw him. I didn't want to tell him though or even mention illness. We pretty much just danced around the issue because diseases like that weren't discussed then, it wasn't really heard of much, and no one knew a lot about it except it was something that struck gay men. We had a good Christmas, my sister was there, my brother was there too (back round here, this is my brother from my dad and a friend of his, I also have two brothers from my mom and my step-dad -- my sister and I share both parents --- not your typical family structure). We all had a good time, hanging out, seeing some sites, shopping. The day after my brother flew back to Denver (I can't remember how old he was, but little, I'm not sure he was even in school yet), I saw my dad, on the couch, having a hard time catching his breath. I took a deep breath and said, "I know you're sick, I think you know it too, I think we should go to the hospital" (Um, this would be the WASP side of the family, if you couldn't already tell) He looked defeated at that moment. It's a hard look for a man who was 6'3, normally robust and full of life to pull off, but defeated, worn down and frail is how he looked. The friend with whom we were staying took us to the hospital. My dad was whisked behind the double doors and I filled out some paperwork. Except for a brief traumatic moment in the ICU, I never saw him again.

What seemed like an eternity and yet also seemed like just a few minutes....in some weird time stands still but speeds up kind of thing that you can't explain but some of us know what I mean....the doctor came out, hugged me (not a good sign) and told me that my dad wasn't going to make it. He needed to be vented. The doctor wanted to know if I knew what my dad would want in this case but his opinion was that there was no hope of recovery. At 19, I had to fill out the paperwork to pull the plug on my dad (FYI, way too young to make that decision!).

We went back to the friend's house and made calls. Family flew in from all over the country and my dad passed within a couple of minutes of his last visitor.

I spent the next couple of years being really angry at him. Angry at his being gay, angry that he was dead, angry at what a mess his life was, angry that he died of AIDS, something so dark and sinister (it was the 80's and I was 19, I would pause stutter and blurt it out, confused and embarrassed every time anyone asked what my dad died of, because the next question was always, 'how did he get AIDS?'--- I so know it wasn't PC to feel that way, but I did).

Now? Well now I just miss him.

I wonder what he would have thought of my becoming a nurse, it's so far out of the range of what we ever discussed. What would he think of Jason and would he be proud that Jason and I have worked so hard in having a strong marriage. Would our marriage be so strong if I had had a father to run to when things got tough? I am saddened that my children will never know him. I am saddened that he never got to be a grandfather, he would have found so much joy, pleasure and wonder in the presence of his grandkids (he has five and one on the way --- according to my brother's Facebook page). If he was around, would my sister have made some of the harebrained decisions she made in her life? Would his influence have helped her in any way? My sister and I would have known our brother, instead of just having an another 'friend' on Facebook, we would have funny stories to share about our shared parent. He, most likely, barely remembers our father or us. My memories are just of annoyance (I was a TEENAGER at the time), so we never got to know each other. Frankly, it was when we became adults that I developed a relationship with my other brothers.

What would life have been like having a father during my adult years?

I'll never know.

I have lived more years without him then with him. I have lived more years with my husband that I have had with my father.

And even so, I still miss my dad.