Sunday, November 02, 2008

I'm gonna whine!

I need to study, I have a test tonight and I'm so unmotivated, this class is unfairly hard especially for a 2 credit class. I don't know what to expect on the test. I've failed two tests and did well on two already and I can't find a pattern to my success or failure. I'm not alone in that, most of the class is grumbling. So instead of being motivated to do well, I feel at a loss right now. I hate that. I'm tired, I miss my family, my family misses me. I just want to clean and bake and do something creative and artsy.

ugggg, sigh, poor pathetic me....

okay on to my other boo hoo moment...

Ms. Martha, is the room mom for Jake's class. And she's been very supportive in letting me do things like just bring paper plates instead of some fun home baked contribution. A couple weeks before, I emailed her with my request so I wouldn't have to compete with any of the other moms with the easy peasy contribution. I got her the plates late Thursday night after a twelve hour clinical shift at the hospital. Meanwhile, Jake read the letter that he was supposed to bring plates and he, in a self-sufficient moment, got some paper plates out of the cupboard and brought them to class (which according to Ms. Martha saved the day because there was a lack of serving plates). Here's where I'm torn...I love that he took the initiative, he read the directions, he figured out what to do and he did it. But was it because he didn't have faith that his mom would do it? Is he feeling a burden of making up grown-up decisions because I'm not as available. Is nine too young for this type of independence? Am I just driving myself crazy over nothingness and just really feeling sad because he's growing up? Does anyone else drive themselves this crazy over something seemingly so benign?

It's these things that make parenting so hard for me...wondering if my decisions will help or hurt the boys emotionally. Hopefully when they grow up they'll know that they were loved.

well, okay, I'm going to take a hot shower and hope that I can get rid of this headache (oh yeah, another thing to whine about, I feel a bit illish) and hit the books!

oh, thanks for the suggestions....I went with buying a whole bunch of snacky foods and then a 10 dollar gift certificate to Wallymart, so if they feel the need, they can buy more food or she can get something fun for herself....About half the people brought a small gift for the birthday girl along with the contributions so it all felt very comfortable.

8 comments:

Martha said...

Don't doubt yourself...your son was truly being the independent and responsible third grader that is so rare. Really, he wasn't doing it because he figured mom didn't...the way I saw it, he read the note and processed it all as his assignment. Just like homework, returning library books and what not. This is a GOOD thing...really it is...I didn't mention it to make you feel sad and question your choices...I mentioned it because it is rare that I see such independence and knew you'd be proud!

Now, go hit the books..

Another thing I was thinking about...back in the day, we had Pharm1 and Pharm2...spread out over two sememsters and during our sophomore year when we weren't knee deep in clinical and med/surg theory. These ADN programs are Harder...just because you've got to cram 4 yrs of hard stuff into 2! You are doing awesome...really...just hang in there...the end is near and it will all be worth it.

And this my friend, is one long arsed comment...so sorry...
Martha

tz said...

and that's why i love you martha...
i know you weren't trying to make me feel bad about the comment, and that you were giving me an example of his abilities i was just doing my overthinking thing and insecurity about about my mothering etc....thanks for your comment!

OHN said...

I think it is terrific that he followed through and the only reflection it has on your parenting is that you are doing a great job at teaching him to be attentive. We mom's are harder on ourselves than anyone else is, especially when we feel we are "torn" between family and school or work.

By the way if my kids had even bothered to read or even give me the letter, I would faint.

terri said...

Don't beat yourself up. Pat yourself on the back that you've raised a kid who knows how to take the initiative and is self sufficient. I had to struggle with the same feelings when I went back to work full time, but I'm telling you, I'm very grateful for my youngest kid who makes sure I don't miss signing important papers, getting money to the right place at the right time, etc. Those are traits that will serve our kids well when they grow up.

ganelle said...

I'm with Martha. Don't beat yourself up over having a responsible son. I think BB1 would have done the same thing. He's just that kind of kid. Plus, they get so excited over parties that he was probably just anxious.

You are BEYOND good!

Sitting in Silence said...

Martha sure is an amazing woman...I even suspect that she may be a teacher in life....I have met only 2 of these before....

I need a Martha over here...

tz said...

danielle, we're not going to let martha go, so you'll just have to come here!

Teresa said...

I was going to say the exact same thing...you are raising quite a responsible little guy there so go ahead and pat yourself on the back Mom!