This last year is such a hazy blur, I've been trying so desperately to succeed in the nursing program. Torn between being a wife, mother, homemaker and student and trying to do well at all. Sadly, I've not done exceptionally well at any, but passable at all (well not so much homemaking, really sometimes washing the cabinets can be mind numbingly DULL).
My husband? Well he has outdone himself in picking up the slack (well, not so much about the homemaking, mostly because I think he might agree about housework being mind numblingly dull -- picking up the toilet brush is not quite as exciting as programming--uh, well for him at least). But he's been fantastic at watching the kiddos when I couldn't, playing with them, working out his very busy schedule to give me the time to study and go to school. He's been very patient with my moods, even those moods that overwhelm me around test time. He's an amazingly supportive, wonderful man!
My kids...well they're great, I can't help it, sometimes when I look at them my heart just hurts with love. I feel overwhelmed by happiness and I feel like I could burst right open. (Hmmm, why is love often times explained in aspects of pain....a different post perhaps) In January 2008, they resolved to not eat fast food for an entire year, and THEY DID IT. Both Jason and I are so proud of their being able to stick to something like that. They are healthy, smart, active boys who keep me on my toes but have taught me about love in only the way that having children in your life can.
What's in store for next year? Well, thankfully I'll finish my nursing program in May and I'll be an RN. It's terrifying and wonderful to think about. I can't wait AND I hope it never comes. It's hard to explain --to want something so much yet be terrified by it also. It was that way for me when I got pregnant, I wanted the baby to hold so much but also was so scared I walked out of the L&D department, while telling Jason I changed my mind. I feel the same way about nursing.
This year I'm resolving to take care of myself. I'm not going to diet. I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to be as forgiving of myself as I am to others. I'm going to go get that massage, pedicure, facial, whatever. I'm going to say yes to fruits and vegetables and cake and say no to artificial sweeteners. I'm going to take leisurely walks with the dog and kiddos and not see it as a chore, or a way to lose weight but a way to enjoy nature and play with the kids. I'm going to live my life like I think my life would be lived if I were already thin.
This year I will most likely be saying good-bye to my mother. Seeing her slowly die will be very difficult, especially knowing that the cumulation of choices she has made in her life has brought her to this end. I am thankful that this last year will be spent here in Colorado, where I can spend time with her and get to know her. I haven't lived in the same state with her since I was nine, so this is an opportunity to get to know her better before she leaves us and for the kids to have memories of her, even if brief. I'm going to look at this as a gift, not a loss. I'm going to concentrate on the gifts more then the losses in my life, life seems more full that way.
These are the things that are on my mind on the first day of 2009. I'm happy with them, the good, the scary, the sad. These are the messy things that make up life, a life I'm happy to be living.
To all of you, I wish you all happiness, prosperity, love and a little bit of mess for your lives this coming year.
HAPPY NEW YEAR