Monday, April 25, 2011

A little bit of this and a little bit of that.....

I know that Spring is officially here, but in Colorado it doesn't really feel like Spring until about the middle of May. I love these early bloomers which, at least, give me a glimpse at the future possibility of it.Because this is how I've been dressing for Jake's games.
Both the boys were sick today....not the earth-shattering plague that they both insisted it was, but more of a type of stomach ache that comes from eating too much Easter candy. I let them stay home anyway. It was fun, because every time they wanted to do something, I got to say, "oh, honey, that's not a good idea in your condition" and they would immediately clutch their stomachs and agree with me. They eventually caught on to what I was doing and it didn't work as well and my amusement for the day was shot. So I decided to organize. I've been getting inspiration from this fun blog.

The "Before" (like I had to inform you of that...it's pretty obvious this is a before).
and.....After (okay, I typed the Before, I'm too compulsive to not now type, After).
I keep wanting to go back every few minutes and look at it. I love it when things are organized! Speaking of....our basement project is coming along. Every couple days I've been bringing up a couple of boxes and going through them and getting rid of stuff. Today I found the match books we had printed up for our wedding. No one does that anymore and that color pink? I'm a little embarrassed (but it went so well with teal!). I can't believe Jason and I have been married almost 19 years!
So that was the "this", now for the "that".

I was thinking about our recent trip to the museum. I had a wonderful time, even if the eldest was doing his possible best to show me how torturous his life is. My younger son, who still has the sweetest voice, chubby cheeks and an easy smile, would periodically come up to me during our visit, slip his hand into mine and ask me to read to him the descriptions of each of the items in the exhibit.

I felt so blessed. It warmed my heart to see his interest, to see him unembarrassed to be with his mother and to genuinely want to be in my company.

You other moms have to know what I'm trying to explain, but am not eloquent enough to do so. It's that feeling where you want to pick up your "baby" right then and there and never let go of that moment. You can almost catch a whiff of that baby smell that in reality has disappeared and replaced by little boy smell, but the memory of the smell comes back to you in moments like these -- at least for me.

But can I just be happy with that? No....
Because....
I'm freaking INSANE.

I started wondering, did he do this, NOT because he was enjoying himself, but because I'm some freaky mother dearest and he was trying to please me so I don't go into a rage and beat him with a wire hanger? Not that I've done either...I admit, gasp, I may have had a temper tantrum or two or three, I might glare when they misbehave and speak ahem, scream loudly. I may expect a lot out of them and I do use guilt to my advantage -- rages and wire hangers, not so much. So I don't think that was his motivation....but now...now...ugh

Being a mom has it's ups and it's downs...for me the downs are usually of my own making in my own freaky head, those creepy thoughts that make me question every thing I do or say to the kids -- the doubts about my parenting that makes me wonder if I should start that therapy-fund, I joke about when I do something that is obviously wrong. Sigh, I need to stop over-analyzing or I will drive everyone crazy.

But thank goodness my 'baking' cabinet is organized.


6 comments:

Bridgett said...

Ok, this made me laugh and tear up a bit. Laugh because my middle girl is having Eastercandyitis today too. But I sent her to school. She is now so constipated...misery. But the baby smell paragraph and the freakin insane part? Yup. Are they trying to win points with me because I'm the crazy parent or do they really want me to be with tthem right now? Sigh. I ask myself that a lot.

Mrs4444 said...

Getting organized is a great feeling, one I don't know all that well, sadly. I do know the parenting feelings you mentioned, though. I'm sure we have nothing to worry about :)

Happy Spring! (when it gets here for real, of course)

Unknown Mami said...

Oh man, reading this was like peeking into my own head. Must stop over-analyzing.

Rock Chef said...

Just posted a photo of my Tres Leche cake...

Minka said...

So you found my blog, and now I've found yours! Great to meet you, because I am also very FREAKIN' INSANE! In truth, you don't really sound crazy, but as that's the opinion of a crazy person... take it with many grains of salt (and some booze! LOL). Better to be a mom who thinks too much than not enough (and there are plenty of those). Better to care too much and not enough (plenty of those as well).

As for therapy, yeah, I'm pretty sure my kids will end up going. So much so that I will sometimes say to my daughter when she doesn't like something I've said or done (translation: I didn't allow her to do something she wanted to do): "You can complain to your therapist about it one day. But I'm sticking to my decision."

We question ourselves because we wanna get it right. Problem is, there's really no such thing. what's right today might not be right tomorrow. Our kids change, the world changes, the culture changes... We change. But the point is that simply wanting and striving for the right thing is totally valuable and important. It's the never ending cycle of mom-insanity.

One tactic I use is being really open with my kids about being a parent and often struggling to make the right decisions on their behalf. My kids are 6 and 9, but they do seem to understand. I tell them that no one's perfect, that I can't be sure of anything, but that my ultimate goal is to make sure they're healthy, happy and safe, and that whatever I decide is always based on that goal. That I love them and am doing my best, even if I'm pissing them off.

I also remind them that I'm here to be their parent, not their friend, and that they can be as angry as they want -- they're allowed to be angry, but I can live with that. Because I'd rather have them dislike me for a while then go with a decision I don't feel is right.

Carry on with your organizing! It's a cleansing experience that i should probably do more of!

And btw -- I do exactly the same thing with my kids when they're sick. I actually (perversely) seize the opportunity to make them stay still and lie around so that I can get sh*t done! Ha!

Leanne said...

Thanks or mentioning my blog. That is so sweet of you. I'm glad I can share some inspiration. I hope the weather here warms up soon too. I'm tired of watching soccer games and track meets in my coat, hat, gloves and sometimes an umbrella too. Blah! I can't believe the kids aren't freezing. Have a great weekend.