The Prodigal Son

The Prodigal Son

So this is one of my least favorite stories in the Bible (yes, yes, I know all of God’s word is extra special and I’m supposed to love every single thing written to be a good Christian; but I’m a very very bad Christian who questions everything. If I were God I would have failed my ass and told me to go ‘seek’ elsewhere. Lucky me, God is a much better Christian than I am :D )Anyhow, Prodigal Son, yup, never liked it. Also didn’t like the story where Jesus rebukes Martha for asking Mary to work when Mary was sitting at Jesus’s feet soaking in his goodness.  I get why that’s an important story and I know the message I’m supposed to glean, BUT as I am a ‘martha’ I can only imagine her saying, ‘yeah wouldn’t it be nice if we could all soak up the Lord’s awesomeness, but someone has to fucking do the dishes and feed all these followers” (okay, poetic license, I’m pretty sure she didn’t drop the f-bomb – mostly because they didn’t actually have that word at that time). The reason both of these stories piss me off is because I am the hard working loyal do everything that’s right (okay except maybe I need a little help in the language department) only to be set aside when the damn rebel bypasses the work and comes home and is glorified. It’s like, “hey, assholes, I’ve been minding the sheep and looking after the fam or cooking and cleaning for a bunch men, one who is a traitor, a couple of others who may or may not be a tad misogynistic and somehow I get set aside or rebuked” hmmmm – so not fair.

And then look at that, I gave birth to a prodigal son.

God in his ultimate ever-lovin’ wisdom has a warped sense of humor.

And enough with the lessons. I want the lesson of what to do if you win the lotto.

My son is one day from being a year sober.

The last couple weeks I’ve been thinking about ways to mark that moment, what kind of gift to give him, how to celebrate this. He has worked so amazingly hard at this. I look at him and at times think ‘son, if you keep up on this path, you will be an amazing contributor to society’ I swell with pride at the hard work he has done to become and remain sober – for a whole year. In a society that glorifies drug and alcohol use. Where everywhere he looks he is being bombarded with temptation. He, with the help of his friends, AA groups, the steps and yes, God (his choice of a higher power) has made it a whole year.

A WHOLE YEAR

So it came as a surprise to me when I am driving to my therapist’s office (so yeah, I’ve been doing that for over a year – and it doesn’t look very promising that I’m going to get to stop that soon) – oh sorry tangent – so on my way to the therapist’s office, and BEFORE my stop at Starbucks, I have a full blown panic attack. Complete with crying, not able to catch my breath, dizziness &---- feeling.out.of.fucking.control!

I do NOT get panic attacks. I am fabulous at repressing my emotions so that I don’t have to panic. It’s what makes me a good nurse.

So here I am trying to control my emotions so I can one make my Starbucks order in a coherent fashion and two, not die on the highway. So after one deep goddamn breath after another and some coffee I make it to the therapist’s office.

Tell him about it between shallow breathing and tears – and he’s happy as a clam and is telling me how great it is that I am having this break through.

WTF and FU – if this is what a breakthrough is NOTHANKYOUVERYMUCH

You know what’s even WORSE

He was right.

DAMNIT

I thought it was all about being scared, scared of what could have happened – seriously Jake could have died, he could have gotten into serious legal trouble, he could have not stopped using and been lost to us for longer or forever. I also thought it was me being scared about the future, what if he uses again? What if he doesn’t get his life together and he lives his life on my coach surrounded by dirty laundry and bags of half eaten chips. And a little warped part of my brain thought (for just a couple of seconds before I discarded it as pure idiocy), what if he does get it together and doesn’t ‘need’ me any more (yeah, see the reason I may be in therapy for a bit longer…okay a lot longer).

We talked – and guess what, my reaction, more about grief than fear.

You’d think as a hospice nurse I could have figured that out – but again, that’s really how awesome I am at repression (I could teach classes). I have been on shut-down-get-shit-done mode (channeling my inner-Martha) and have not had a chance to grieve the loss of my son. My beautiful green-eyed, curly haired, handsome, talented sweet, funny, rebellious, darling boy (oh look at that, I’m crying again – damn breakthroughs, they fucking SUCK). I am thankful he is physically with us and I look forward to getting to know who he is now, but I need to let go and grieve who he once was. And I have to grieve who I got to be as his mom because she too no longer exists. I need to get to know the woman I am becoming because of all of this (I’m pretty sure I’m going to like her, she has a good sense of humor).

Circling back to the prodigal son – I don’t think Jake has quite come home yet – he’s still out there exploring, learning, getting hurt and figuring out how to survive and more importantly he will eventually realize the importance of home where he is loved – his physical one with his earthly parents and brother as well as his heavenly home and spiritual father.  But I do believe that he’s on his way back. We will celebrate. This year of sobriety will also be celebrated, because it should be recognized.

And me, I need to do some more being in the Word. Spirituality is very important to me, and I have been a bit resentful of it in the last couple years or so – face it, for those of us less perfect Christians, with less than perfect Christian homes, churchy people can be a little insufferable. So while my inner Martha has served me well, I do need to get a little more Mary in my life.

And to my other son, the one who is more like me in his attempt to do what is right I want to say, ‘you will not be cast aside when your brother finally makes it home, and son, you do not have to be perfect, you are loved regardless of how good or how bad you are”

I might add to son number two though, ‘but if you do go off the rails, wait a bit until I have built up a little strength’

So, yes God, you are right. And I am learning this lesson. But for the love of all that is holy – how about learning that lesson where I wake up skinny and my hair stays in place for more than an hour. That’s a lesson, I’d so appreciate.

Another why I suck moment --

Before you get all concerned about my apparent self-esteem issues, I don't actually think I suck, I actually think I'm a pretty nice person. I just happen to enjoy self-depreciating humor...and in this case I also enjoy knowing it's got some shock value because not many people think I suck either (and those that do think I suck, don't actually share their thoughts with me, and I'm okay if they don't).

Alright, now that you've put your therapist's phone numbers away because I don't need a referral, we can get to the post at hand.

I totally dropped the ball last Christmas. I mean, I bought the presents on time -- actually purchased them in October, because normally I'm good like that. Even had them wrapped in mid-November. And here's where I lost steam -- the frickin' box. I couldn't find one that would fit the big-arse bag of toddler legos.  So the presents sat in my room (even my parents' presents - and I was able to find a box that fit those presents) for months. I would look at them daily and just cringe because I wasn't getting them sent out. Christmas passed and Jason moved the them to the basement. I would move them back to our room so that I wouldn't 'forget' to mail them out every.freakin'.day. He would move them back to the basement. We would never really discuss it, we just kept moving the boxes of Christmas presents up and down the two flights of stairs. FOR 7 MONTHS.

So I finally did it. I mailed them out. With this note:

 And then the boxes were stacked in my car for a couple of weeks and it became Christmas in August

Arggggg

This picture reminds me I need to clean out my car.

This got me to thinking....why did I do this? What's going on?  It's not the only thing I've messed up on this past year. I missed paying the kids' dentist bill for a few months (seriously, I hate those bills that aren't auto deductions because I forget them normally, but this past year, I forgot on steroids). It got to the point though they fired us. (So suck as a consumer, a mom, a the family financial keeper). My desk is a mess, my filing has piled up into two TWO laundry baskets and now my laundry is folded and piled on the floor near the washer and drier.  It took me like 8 months to get to the hairdresser, and I went way too long without a pedicure. I've read maybe like 2 books for pleasure and except for making some Christmas ornaments I haven't done anything creative. I picked up a lot of extra shifts and changed jobs (really a good way to keep my mind off of my life).

I'm kind of a hot mess.

And I realized, I've been depressed. It wasn't this obvious depression (well to myself) but this sort of underlying lack of energy, motivation, and ability to do MORE. I was still able get the kids where they needed to go (for the most part), I kept most of my appointments. I was able to still decorate for Christmas and entertain...but didn't send out cards or gifts (local people got their gifts). But some of the extras -- forgotten birthdays of some really good friends, not doing extra things like cards for no reason, paying attention to the needs of the people around me (except the kids), and more importantly not having overall joy in life -- just glimpses here and there. I laughed, I cried -- but not my normal loving life kind of person.

You see, I'm generally a pretty happy person -- not one of these exuberant shout to the roof tops life is grand...but a mellow happy person (apparently depression looks pretty mellow on me too). And this past year that was gone. And it's taken it's toll on me. But I didn't realize it was some low level depression because I pushed through and lived my life -- just wasn't enjoying it much AND things fell through the cracks (more than usual -- because even though I'm generally a mellow happy person, I'm also seriously ADD). It kind of sucks. I'm happy to say though just realizing what was going on (I'm also a little slow and it took awhile to figure it out) has helped me realize why I've been doing (or really not doing) what I've been doing this past year.

Death of a loved one can do that to you. It's coming on the year anniversary of when my sister died. I miss her. As I wrap up her estate and am ready to send the paperwork to the court, I realize this is it. It really hit me when I sold her condo a couple months back. I cried off and on all day and had to tell people my allergies were acting up (because God forbid I let people know I'm freaking out because I sold my dead sister's condo). It was hard, it was a teminder she wasn't coming back. I'm doling out her ashes soon, some to my mother, some to my niece and nephew, and some to me. I'm going to spread my share in the mountains in a beautiful peaceful spot. I want her to have peace in death in a way she couldn't have in life. I think she would have liked it that a little part of her will go to the people that loved her the most and loved her with out conditions. It's sad, but she never really felt that love but she was loved. One son at her funeral was so heart broken, and another, who didn't shed a tear, later designed his baseball glove to honor her and his other aunt (who has MS).

He had "for Nini" the nick name he actually came up with for my sister, because he couldn't pronounce Leyni. and he also had 'for shaina' stitched to his glove. He doesn't really show his emotions, but it was when he ordered this glove that I realized he felt that loss too.

It's time to move on now. Not forget, or even stop missing her. But to get back the part of my life that I miss and love - the joy of life. A part will be always be missing, but isn't that true of all of us? Every time we experience loss we lose a little part of ourselves. But then we also fill those losses with people that bring us joy and love (and sometimes we fill the loss with chocolate cake - did I also mention I gained 30 pounds this past year as well - I wish I was one of these people who don't eat and over exercise when I was depressed). We just have to allow that love in -- for some of us that's harder to do, and during some times in our life it's harder to do.

I know I'm coming out of this, different but whole and strong. I'm lucky that depression for me comes in periods of my life and it is not (thankfully) something from which I suffer all the time. For me it's usually related to a major life event like a death in the family, or hormonal changes, in the case of some postpartum depression (and thank you Lexapro for getting me through that). I know there are people who suffer from depression all the time and it sucks - I'm sorry this is your lot in life.

In the mean time -- I'm crawling out of my little dark depression hole and bonus, my nephews got a mid summer surprise (okay late summer). I'm wrapping up my sister's estate so will not have that weighing on my mind, taking up space that should be devoted to my family, friends, and self.

Seriously....put away those therapists' numbers, I don't need a referral...I got this.

No Spend February -- well not so much

The black hole that is my family's spending habits changed a wee bit -- but not enough to write home about or even blog about -- yet will share my results with you (all two of you) anyway.

I have to say, reading some of these blogs where people save thousands on their no spend month and have these a-ha moments like being able to live with a budget of 300$ for groceries for a family of one hundred, makes me feel like a colossal failure.

Well, not really, I have a lot going for me.

Frugality is just not one of them.

sigh.

I did actually learn some things though with my attempt at a "no spend" month. 1. I suck at it. 2. There are some things that I nor my family missed, and 3. I do not have good control or even understanding of my finances or finances in general.

Here's how it ended:

	January	February
Groceries	1362	1648
Going out	783	164
Home improvement	67	517 (stupid garage opener)
Toll road	50	5
School lunches	200	0

Total savings:

128$

Yup

I suck at this.

Here's the strange thing.

I didn't go into over draft

I may have saved money on utilities because we kept our heat lower, didn't use our gas fire place and were better at turning off lights.

I somehow paid extra on our credit card and got our savings up by 700$.

At the beginning of March, I had enough to pay for my class outright, rather than putting it on the credit card.

I did work some extra hours for an extra 300$ this month.

The math for the extra payment, my school, and extra savings though doesn't work out. Maybe it's because I was a little (though not much) more aware of our spending and things that creep in that I maybe didn't record were a greater savings than realized?

All in all -- what I'm taking from this month is:

I don't need to take the toll road -- I didn't save much time doing it and it's not worth 3$ a day.

We can continue to make the boys' lunches.

If I'm better prepared, we can make sandwiches for game days and keep the fast food at bay.

Home purchases are going up though as we move into summer and work on our back yard as well as finishing our basement this year.

We'll do this again in the fall -- with hopefully better results. Since I won't be in school, I'll also take more time to really make a more detailed accounting of our spending habits as well as take an average of the year to have a better idea of what we spend and what we actually save during a 'no spend' month.

For now? Well, we'll definitely eat out less, we'll continue to make lunches, and we'll not take the toll road - as well as reduce our heat and turn off lights. I'll try and be more aware of what I'm spending at the store and plan less expensive meals.

It's a learning curve

well in my case a learning arc -- like the size of the St. Louis one.

Sport's Team First Aid Kit (for Jake's baseball team) OR Why you don't ask a nurse to do your first aid kit

So the coach of Jake's baseball team off handedly said to me, "hey you're a nurse, why don't you put together a first aid kit for us".

HA

Well since I vacillate from saying things like, "you call that a wound, suck it up buttercup and get back on the field and PLAY", to over-thinking all possible scenarios and planning for them, this may have been a bad idea (middle ground? balance? these are concepts I do not understand).

I went with the second option and will now share with you what I did. And yes, I'm sure there are support groups out there for people like me.

 I put everything into a a Thirty One Utility Tote that I had around the house.

Here's where the insanity gene in my family manifests itself with me -- what's included:

coke (migraines, low blood sugar, asthma), water, eye wash, wipes, vaseline, q-tips, finger braces, two ace bandages, 10 instant ice packs, chapstick, sun block, cortizone cream, antibacterial cream, Benadryl cream, aspirin (for adults experiencing chest pain), Advil,Tylenol, Benadryl , bandaids, 4x4 gauze and tape, saline wash, Icy-Hot, hydrogen peroxide (not for wounds, but for cleaning blood out of uniforms) and water.

I also put together a little manual to help people triage and treat (I'll post these later if any of you want to also go off the deep end in over-prepardness)

 I lumped like things together in baggies to help in grabbing what is needed, rather than digging through the bag -- I also labeled the aspirin as "Adult Only" - in this bag, Ibuprofin, Tylenol, Aspirin, and Benadryl. 

 In this bag, Icy-Hot, cortizone cream, bacitracin (stay away from neo-sporin and other triple antibiotic creams), and Benadryl lotion.

In this bag, 4x4's, bandaids, finger splints, bandaids, ace bandages, and tape.

 In the side pockets I put some quick grab items -- this pocket, q-tips (for application of chapstick, or if you need to put vaseline in someone's nose for a blood nose etc), chapstick and vaseline.

 wipes

 Eye wash and sun block -- we play is some dusty fields and there's always a kid who forgets his sun block

Water -- emergency hydration, taking pills, or washing wounds

 Putting it together

Now for the binder (each heading has it's own page, that I put in plastic page protectors)

General

Best ways to avoid illness and injury

Stay hydrated

·     Water is the best choice

·     Electrolyte waters are a good choice when working out for long periods in the heat

·     Stay away from sugary sodas

·     Chocolate milk makes a great recovery drink, has some protein that the electrolyte drinks do not have

Make healthy food choices during game days, especially tournaments

·     Fruits, veggies and lean proteins

·     Light breakfasts of complex carbohydrates and lean protein, great way to start

Stretch before each game and after

Do strengthening exercises on days you are not practicing to help stabilize joints

Breaks/strains/sprains

Contrary to popular belief, unless the bone is sticking out of the skin or there is an obvious deformity there is no way to know if something is broken. Pain is not an indicator of a break. Soft tissue injuries can actually “hurt” more and pain is relative and what the person says it is (as much as we want to roll our eyes at our children :D )

What to do:

RICE

Rest

Ice

Compression (wrap snugly with an ace bandage)

Elevation

If tingling and numbness may be nerve damage, do the above without the ice.

Go to hospital if:

There are bones sticking out (911 – this needs to taken care of right away because there is a bleeding risk and there is an infection risk).

If there is an obvious deformity, take the child to the closest ER after stabilizing it.

If the child can’t bear weight, have him sit it out and elevate the injured area and put ice on it.  Reevaluate, if still can’t bear weight, or pain not subsiding or going away then take to ER to evaluate

If it’s a kneecap displaced, straighten out leg and see if kneecap pops back into place. If not, gently push knee cap back into place and take to ER.

Follow Up:

If pain doesn’t go away, check with pediatrician.

Because your kid is an athlete, it’s always a good idea to have a PT evaluation too if it’s a bad sprain/strain.

Cuts and Scrapes

Irrigate with water

Wash with soap and water

Bandaid if needed

If quite a bit of bleeding or oozing, use gauze to put pressure on wound until bleeding stops

Can use antibiotic cream (not Neosporin, use Bacitracin)

Once game is over wash again with soap and water and leave it open to air, can reapply antibiotic cream if needed

Don’t use Neosporin

Don’t use hydrogen peroxide

 Fainting

If player feels faint:

·    Have him sit down or lie down, hydrate

·    Have him sit down and put his head between his legs

If has fainted

·    Check airway, make sure it’s clear

·    Check for pulse and breathing, call 911 if can’t find pulse or player is not breathing – start CPR

·    Position player on his back and raise legs above the heart – when player is awake, do not let him get up too quickly

 Stroke

(adult)

Symptoms:

Speech difficulty

Drooping on one side of face

Headache

Vision changes

Numbness tingling loss of movement

Use FACE to help determine if possible stroke:

FACE – Does one side of the face droop? 
(have the person smile)

ARMS – Is one arm weak or numb? 
 (have the person lift both hands to the side and see if one drifts down)

SPEECH – Is the speech slurred? 
(have the person talk to you, are the words garbled, are they using the wrong words in the sentence?)

TIME – Time is critical.

Call 911 and let them know when symptoms started (time is critical) If it’s a stroke caused by an obstruction they need to give the person tPA within 3 hours of symptoms starting.

Do NOT give aspirin; you don’t know if it is a bleed (Hemorrhagic) or an obstruction (ischemic) type of stroke. They will need to do a CT and/or MRI at the hospital to determine treatment and what type of stroke it is.

Possible Heart Attack

(adult)

Symptoms

Left Arm, Shoulder pain, back pain, neck, jaw pain can travel to right side

Pressure, tightness, pain in chest

Shortness of Breath

Nausea/vomiting

Feeling of impending doom

Breaking into cold sweat

Heart palpitations

Women are more likely to have uncommon symptoms, although men can also present with less common symptoms

Give the person aspirin and call 911

Nose Bleed

1.pressure with two fingers bridge of nose

2.do NOT have player lie flat on back

3.either have patient suck on ice, or put ice pack on back of neck

4.can use antibiotic cream, or Vaseline in nares, if bloody nose caused by dryness

5.hydrogen peroxide is good for getting blood out of uniform (don’t use on skin)

6.hydrate

Hit to the Head

The force of the hit to the head isn’t always an indicator of whether or not there’s going to be a concussion, so it’s always a good idea to be concerned.

Take player to emergency room If player experiences (1&2 – depending on severity may need a 911 call):

1.     Loss of consciousness

2.     Seizure

3.     Severe head ache

4.     Nausea and vomiting

5.     Direct hit to the eye with immediate bruising surround the eye

Assessment:

1.     Physical

a.     Check pupils, see if equal and reactive to light (if not, 911)

b.     Have player stand on one foot, then the other to check for balance

c.      Have patient put both arms out and then bring hands together

2.     Questions

a.     have player rate pain

b.     have player remember 3-5 words and have him repeat it to you

c.      have player rate irritability

d.     does player feel ‘right’

e.     is player getting drowsy

f.      vision problems

g.     hearing problems

h.     feeling in a fog

i.       neck pain

j.       pressure in head

Treatment:

1.     If player has any of the above symptoms, have him stop playing and go to the doctor  (ER if any symptoms severe or getting considerably worse)

2.     If player does not have symptoms, have him sit out an inning with an ice pack and reevaluate

3.     If there is ever a SECOND hit, have child sit out game and get evaluated by MD.

4.     If there is a concussion, player has to be cleared by MD before being able to play again

Follow up:

1.     If parent sees any changes in player, parent should seek advice of medical professional right away

2.     Have player rest at home without stimulus, no tv, no video games

Bee Stings

1. remove stinger (black spot in middle of wound) by scraping a credit card or hard flat object over it.

2. Wash with soap and water

3. Ice pack

4. If needed can take some Benadryl, Tylenol or ibuprofen for pain and localized allergic reaction

Anaphylaxis

If allergic to bee stings and no epi-pen call 911 immediately, give Benadryl (if can still swallow).

Symptoms to be concerned about (call 911 if these are evident):

1. wheezing

2. swelling, especially around the face, throat, eyes

3. dizziness

Asthma Attack w/out an inhaler

Symptoms

1.wheezing (doesn’t always happen)

2.tightness feeling in chest

3.pressure in chest

4.dry persistent cough

5.difficulty breathing

Treatment

1.Over the Counter inhaler

2.Caffeine (2 cups, 2 cokes)

3.Calming deep breathing

4.Benadryl

5.If player passes out, call 911

There you have it -- it'll be a good thing if we didn't have to use any of these items -- but glad to have them on hand just in case - better to be over-prepared than not prepared at all (this may surprise you but I was in fact a girl scout for a couple of years -- some of it stuck).

Most likely, I'll take a look at a kid and say, "really? you're fine, get back out there and play and win and there's no crying in baseball"

Because I'm one of those moms.

Not really - okay sometimes.

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