Thursday, January 01, 2009

Happy New Year

I wondered what I should do about this post, should I reflect or should I look forward....hmmm, well in Gemini fashion, I've decided to do a little bit of both.

This last year is such a hazy blur, I've been trying so desperately to succeed in the nursing program. Torn between being a wife, mother, homemaker and student and trying to do well at all. Sadly, I've not done exceptionally well at any, but passable at all (well not so much homemaking, really sometimes washing the cabinets can be mind numbingly DULL).

My husband? Well he has outdone himself in picking up the slack (well, not so much about the homemaking, mostly because I think he might agree about housework being mind numblingly dull -- picking up the toilet brush is not quite as exciting as programming--uh, well for him at least). But he's been fantastic at watching the kiddos when I couldn't, playing with them, working out his very busy schedule to give me the time to study and go to school. He's been very patient with my moods, even those moods that overwhelm me around test time. He's an amazingly supportive, wonderful man!

My kids...well they're great, I can't help it, sometimes when I look at them my heart just hurts with love. I feel overwhelmed by happiness and I feel like I could burst right open. (Hmmm, why is love often times explained in aspects of pain....a different post perhaps) In January 2008, they resolved to not eat fast food for an entire year, and THEY DID IT. Both Jason and I are so proud of their being able to stick to something like that. They are healthy, smart, active boys who keep me on my toes but have taught me about love in only the way that having children in your life can.

What's in store for next year? Well, thankfully I'll finish my nursing program in May and I'll be an RN. It's terrifying and wonderful to think about. I can't wait AND I hope it never comes. It's hard to explain --to want something so much yet be terrified by it also. It was that way for me when I got pregnant, I wanted the baby to hold so much but also was so scared I walked out of the L&D department, while telling Jason I changed my mind. I feel the same way about nursing.

This year I'm resolving to take care of myself. I'm not going to diet. I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to be as forgiving of myself as I am to others. I'm going to go get that massage, pedicure, facial, whatever. I'm going to say yes to fruits and vegetables and cake and say no to artificial sweeteners. I'm going to take leisurely walks with the dog and kiddos and not see it as a chore, or a way to lose weight but a way to enjoy nature and play with the kids. I'm going to live my life like I think my life would be lived if I were already thin.

This year I will most likely be saying good-bye to my mother. Seeing her slowly die will be very difficult, especially knowing that the cumulation of choices she has made in her life has brought her to this end. I am thankful that this last year will be spent here in Colorado, where I can spend time with her and get to know her. I haven't lived in the same state with her since I was nine, so this is an opportunity to get to know her better before she leaves us and for the kids to have memories of her, even if brief. I'm going to look at this as a gift, not a loss. I'm going to concentrate on the gifts more then the losses in my life, life seems more full that way.

These are the things that are on my mind on the first day of 2009. I'm happy with them, the good, the scary, the sad. These are the messy things that make up life, a life I'm happy to be living.

To all of you, I wish you all happiness, prosperity, love and a little bit of mess for your lives this coming year.



Ali said...

So, essentially, you're going to live. I think that's a perfect outlook for the new perfect in fact, that I think that's what I'm going to do too!

I'm sorry that this will probably be your last year with your mom - it can't be easy to know something like that is coming.

But I have to tell you, I think you might be mistaken thinking you haven't been an exceptional wife, mother, homemaker and student :) I'm sure you were amazing at all those things.

Happy New Year!

ganelle said...

I just finished writing my New Year's post - maybe I'm just feeling reflective, but you're managed to especially touch me. I love your goals - what a great example. You are fabulous!

OHN said...

Why is it that we try to be everything to everyone? I have determined that I will do the best I can and if it isn't good enough for someone, they don't really need me :)

Anonymous said...

So, well said. I think you have just given the recipe for a happy life! Good for you. I wish it all for you, friend. said...

I have to comment on the nursing school portion of your post. Take heart in the fact that you've chosen a career in which education never ends. You will most likely have both manditory and optional education through your employer. Plus technology changes so much! You will learn something new from your patients or co-workers almost daily. Not only that, but if you choose, you can drag out schooling for another 6 years or so getting your BSN, MSN, or ARNP ;)

Michele said...

What a wonderful outlook for the new year! I, too, moved "back home" to be by my mother as she is quickly fading away also. On a good note, mom has lasted longer than any of us thought. After suffering through congestive heart faliure, complications of diabetes, and being on oxygen 24/7 we are lucky to have had her for another holiday season.
Best of luck to you in the coming year!

terri said...

What a beautiful post. It looks like 2009 has brought you a major dose of perspective. I love your attitude!

FB @ said...

I think you'll do fantastic this year. Thanks for favouriting my blog..

anymommy said...

You made me cry. It sounds like a wonderful, and sometimes painful, year to come. It'll be full of love.

Mrs4444 said...

Sorry about your mom, TZ.I wish you all the strength you'll need to carry you through.