Thursday, May 19, 2011

oh my

A little back ground here -- my mother-in-law, Sher was adopted when she was four years old.  She attempted to find her birth family when she was newly married in her twenties.  Her birth mother wasn't very receptive (and where as that wouldn't have been my decision, this is a different generation, small east-coast town, Catholic family so I'm empathetic to the mother as well as to Sher).  Sher did find out that she had an older sister, who remembered Sher, but the mom told the older sister, that her memories were wrong and Sher had been a relative, not a sister.  There were also some younger brothers and another sister.  Well it's been a good forty years and Sher is going back east for a reunion and she thought she'd try again with her birth family.

She just wanted to go knock on their door though and say, "Hi, it's me".

I didn't think that was such a good idea.  We don't really know what kind of heart conditions these guys might have, or if they own guns.

My sister-in-law made a good point though.  Sher's probably afraid of being rejected yet again.  And like a tiger with its prey, when you pounce like that, it's not getting away.

Of course, Sher wouldn't admit to being scared, or sad or any type of emotion what-so-ever.  Which, I am thinking may be genetic.  Although born into a Catholic family, she was raised in a Jewish family.  Jason's other Jewish relatives discuss feelings and emotions and are touchy-feely loving people (a lot like the Cuban side of my family).  Jason's aunt can ferret out your deepest emotions and get you crying or laughing and make you feel good about sharing.  I'm wondering if it's really this ability that anti-semites are most afraid of?  Anyhow, even though Sher was raised in this kind of culture, she's pretty repressed -- well emotionally, she has one dirty sense of humor.

Sooooo, I so don't want this family to be cornered, wanted them time to digest and really really want Sher to be able to connect with them.

So I wrote them a letter.

I  hope I wrote it to the right people.
I so hope they receive it in the spirit it was written and sent.
I hope Sher gets a chance to meet them.
Mostly, I hope they aren't a family of serial killers with a chain saw collection.

Letter goes out today, think good thoughts.


Anonymous said...

Good thoughts, and only good thoughts, are all I have of and for Sher. She was such a pivotal part of my life, teaching me about parenting with love and humor. I wish, hope, pray she finds what she's looking for when she heads back east! ~Kathy

Rock Chef said...

Hope it works out OK - this sort of thing seems to be capable of going just about any direction!

Bridgett said...

Such a brave and scary thing to do. Adopted at four: the calculus there of emotion and needs and lies and loss is just about unfathomable to me.

One of my very best friends, born in the mid-60s, was adopted at birth. Her birth mother found her when Ann was in her 20s. It's been an awkward relationship and Ann has said she never would have sought the woman out, ever. But I don't think I believe her. I think the desire to connect, to get answers, to reknit family ties, would be just too strong.

Good luck to both, all of you.

tz said...

Kathy, me too,
RC, you're so right, I do hope it goes well
Brdigett -- I can imagine it would be awkward..there are so many feelings to deal with on all sides...I can't imagine. I'm very lucky to have never been in either position

SortaSuperMom said...

I'll pray they aren't serial killers, too. :-b
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