Friday, April 20, 2007

growing up

I was reading another blog and she mentioned how adulthood has creeped on her slowly. It was just a small blip in a post about something else entirely but it resonated with me. I have these moments when I look around my life and think, "I'm a grown up." It's hitting more at home right now because after 18 years, Jason has finally gotten a new car. And it's a grown up car, a bit of a man-toy, but grown up none the less. Not his small, Honda civic that was so 'cool' in a geeky kind of way while in college, first job, first house. It stopped being 'cool' but Jason held on to it. Why? he said finances, but was it holding on to that time in his life when the realities of adulthood weren't as prevalent?

You'd think that at almost 40 (a year and two months away) I would have figured out that I am indeed an adult. You would think given my childhood where I took the adult role, more often then not, I would be used to this whole adult thing. I drink coffee, have children, am married, pay the bills, cook, drive a safe car for which I provide maintenance, keep a home , have a retirement plan and paying into college funds, and yet I feel like I'm waiting for adulthood to start. And it struck me, it's not that I don't feel like an adult, I don't feel like I'm living the life I imagined I would while I was in my youth.

I'm not sure I want to live that life either because it looks a lot like a television show (my childhood dream/assumption of what a family should look like). I'm not sure what I want it to look like. Maybe I should be okay with how it is NOW and learn to enjoy the experience of not knowing, not planning, not imagining and just be content with the now. I think I've spent many years not worrying about now, because something better was going to be around the corner. What if 'better' is now.

No, my house is still mid-remodel and will most likely be that way for a few years until I finish nursing school. I'm not the weight I'd like to be. I'm not driving the car I want. BUT, my kids are great, they are bright, friendly, active, talented boys who make my eyes light up when they come into the room. My heart swells with the unsolicited hugs and kisses. My husband is a great father and loving, caring man. I am blessed that we've been together 22 years and married almost 15 (high school sweethearts) I am so enjoying my class, even though it is hard as hell. I enjoy learning, enjoy the challenge of understanding a subject so foreign to me. I have a good life. Being an adult is good. The life I have is good, even if it isn't the one I set out to have.


Colleen O said...

That's funny - your up at 4am thinking the same things I am! I feel abit weird about being an adult lately, and I don't know why. Yes, I drink coffee, and have kids, job, husband, pay bills. This morning I fee like I'm faking it, and I'm going to be found out any minute!

valiens said...

That's it, exactly. While I never could have guessed what it would actually be like, what twists and turns life would dish out, what I have is really good. And very far from my (totally inexperienced) idea of what it would be like and where I would be.

I'm so glad it's turned out this way instead! I'm so glad I didn't turn into an advertising mogul with a nanny and a benz! This is much richer.